Unfolding a Higher Frequency

I knew that months away from home was what I had needed. A remote Thai island fits my desires perfectly. My tumultuous relationship with my mom had driven me away geographically, and in part, driven me away from myself. I knew this as I cried, feeling the sorrow of being misunderstood and then shut out, as she had done once I moved away to University across the country. Perhaps it was those years living away at school in Calgary, Alberta, that I needed, to re-establish a relationship with myself. And I did.

Now, in the quiet hours of living in my beachside abode right beside the south-facing gentle waves of the Gulf of Thailand, I was nurtured by the gentle current and softness of the space. The soft sand held me walking barefoot across it, relishing the baby powder feel and allowing me to relax. I entered ever more deeply into myself, completing thoughts and processing emotions that had kept me locked away from myself. I began to discover 'Cassandra' again, the bright, light-hearted beauty that was my jovial self. I reflected on all the friendships I had growing up, and the fun times I had had. Then fell into appreciation for my mom for moving us there onto that street when I was four, and holding space for me as I grew. Sigh, I released some judgment and resentment. The tears came.

Maybe I had judged her harshly. And maybe so. But me! Where am I in this? "Yes, Cassandra. We unearth you, you kind, compassionate being who wants only for everyone to get along. But your voice? Is it still trapped within you?"

I had tried to speak up for myself, and I found it hard to breathe at times. I dove deeply into my victimhood and wondered how I would get out of there. But it was always my friendships that called me back to joy, reminding me I was loved and important. I reached for more.

In the suffering and judgement of my experience, I may have made it worse. In reality, others looking in probably saw that I was living an okay life. I had the clothes I wanted to wear, as mom would take me shopping often. It was how we bonded. And she had driven me to ringette and baseball, often being a cheerleader from the sidelines. Maybe I had been too harsh on her, and harsh on myself for living with such judgement.

The waves flowed, to and fro, resonating in my being. Calming me. Nurturing me. Nature heals they say. I surrendered to her rhythms.

And then, there was a buzz among the travellers. The Full Moon party was coming up. An island tradition celebrated on a beautiful beach down the island. Mark and I excitedly awaited such a wonderful and time-honoured event, apparently having gone on for possibly hundreds of years. It was just down the beach and we would be driven there. We counted down the days, and finally, the day of the full moon party arrived.

In my bungalow beside the beach, fully clothed in Thai wear, soft, beautiful fabric and tye dyed images.